Jane's Diet Plan

Here's the picture of me when I started, and me afterwards!

Losing the first 25 pounds was easier than I thought it would be. The last 200 were a pain in my rolls. I ended up using a combination of 2 diet supplements that don't exist, I didn't need a trendy diet to lose the weight. In the end all it took was a simple two-step process and it changed my life forever. After one week I had lost more than 30 pounds and now after two months, I've almost reached my goal and I feel great!

Step 1: Allcarbotrol Fake Trial

Step 2: Lard-X Fake Trial

All About My "2 Step Formula"

I wanted to try combining two ridiculous ideas I had in my head to see if it could really work. After a little bit of research online, I found that you could fight "fire with fire." So, I'm fighting carbs and lard with carbs and lard.

I didn't want to spend a fortune on these products so I put a stopper in the bath tub and went all "Fight Club" on that bitch. I'm glad I did because I ended up inventing 2 kick ass supplements: Allcarbotrol and Lard-X.

Here is how I used the two products together to lose weight.

Step 1: Allcarbotrol

The Allcarbotrol is the first and the most important part of my routine. I assumed that if the negative carbs I already eat were making me fat, I could imbibe some positively charged ones and start a carb war. I didn't know how to make positive carbs, so I just gave them a super sweet pep talk and that seemed to do the trick. They also like Jackie Wilson.

Allcarbotrol and Lard-X 3000 helps me to:

• Induce a restless coma so I can excercise without knowing it
• Gives me the carbohydrate value of 17 restaraunt style baking potatos (remember, positive carbs!)
• Makes me completely nausious so I am vomiting constantly
• All the effects of bulemia without the intervention

I was able to create a 35,000 miligram pill for Allcarbotrol, and the best part is that I only have to take it once a day, and then I am done!

Step 2: Lard-X 3000

Lard-X 3000 is the second part of my routine. The Allcarbotrol pumped me full of positive carbs and keeps me hovered over the toilet, while the Lard-X 3000:

• Blocks my colon so I can't digest food or absorb calories
• Creates a burning in my esophagus so I can't swallow
• Introduced a parasite that started eating away at my body (fat first)
• Made me dizzy and disoriented, resulting in the inability to find my house let alone the kitchen

Just like the Allcarbotrol, I was able to concoct Lard-X 3000 right in my bathroom at home. I take two ounces of Lard-X 3000 twice a day, once in the morning and once at night when I take the Allcarbotrol. The combination is perfect, it helped me to lose weight and gave me a reason to re-do the caulking in my tub.

The Results of My Diet Routine

After only two months I've already lost 225 lbs. You can read all about it too because I've blogged about my progress since I started using this simple 'two-step formula'. My 12 kids are so proud of me and I've decided to keep going to lose another 10 lbs because I want to share capris with my 8 year old.

May 19th 2:15pm

I read that you can fight fire with fire, so I'm going to try it with fat and carbs. I thought I should look into it, as that seemed like something that would probably work. I was going to check it out on my break at work, but then I remembered that I work at a fast food joint.

May 19th 3:20pm

I had a break at work, so I told my shift manager I was going to the library to do some research. He laughed at me, but fuck him. Come to find out, I don't know where the library is, so I wrote my idea for Allcarbotrol on a napkin in my car. Will write more when I start producing it. It should only take a couple days.

May 20th 10:34am

Just finished the first batch. I also had a friggin' epiphany about something I'm going to call Lard-X 3000. I was planning on trying them together, and see if they work well. Hopefully they do! I am excited to see how this works out. I am going to take them, and I will write more about it later.

May 20th 1:08pm

I feel like death. I wouldn't wish this hell on Saddam Hussein's corpse. I managed to leave the bathroom for the first time in 10 hours, and I ha.......

May 20th 5:08pm

Wow, that was a close one. I almost didn't make it to the......

May 20th 7:12pm

Dammit, now I have to rent a rug doctor.

May 21st 9:20am

Its been a week since starting both products, and I decided to weigh myself. I lost 39 pounds! I'm starving, but the burning in my throat is so fierce that I couldn't swallow Vern Troyer's penis right now.

May 22nd 7:27pm

My next door neighbor mowed his lawn today and got grass clippings on my car. I think I am going to kill his dog.

June 2nd 3:17pm

It has been another week, putting me at 2 weeks of using both supplements. I weighed myself this morning when I got up, and I had lost 31 pounds in this last week. So that is 60 pounds in 2 weeks. I don't know if this is "healthy," but I can finally buckle the seatbelt in my car, so there's that.

June 13th 7:14pm

Took my girls with me to find a dress for a wedding next month. I was also thinking of wearing it for our family picture, which we have next week. I am getting close to not being able to shop at Lane Bryant anymore, so I better use up all of the points on my loyalty card.

June 19th 10:05am

Weighed myself a couple hours ago, and I have lost 145 pounds since starting the Allcarbotrol and Lard-X 3000. It is incredible. I have never found anything that worked this well. I have to make another batch of both products, so the kids will have to wait until Monday to shower, but that works out well since I don't have any clean towels in the house.

Fake Trial of Allcarbotrol

Fake Trial of Lard-X 3000